Free Write

Preparation

I remember being in my twenties – up late doing nothing waiting for my phone to ring – and then it rang and my go to friend was asking me to hang out.  We hadn’t spoken all day and I had no idea he was going to call but it didn’t matter where he wanted to go I knew once I heard his voice I was ready to go out.

Now I plan my nights out sometimes weeks in advance.  I like looking forward to something I know for sure is going to happen but some nights I think of that girl in her twenties watching tv and trying not to pay attention to the phone and I think yes we did have some fun.

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Fearless Thoughts

Be About It

I listened to someone go on and on about how people are supposed to behave and speak and then I watched them speak disrespectfully and act harshly towards someone else.

It’s a common thing.  I’ve run into it often.  The people who think they have the right to speak to and treat people anyway they feel like and then the rest of the time tell people how to talk to and treat others.

I’m just sick of listening to the person who talks about respect (how they deserve it and how important it is) and then watching that same person disrespect someone.

So I just want to say if you can’t Be About It Then Shut Up About It.

Family & Friends

We’re Grown Ups Now

When I was younger I believed I would one day be older than my older siblings.  It never occurred to me that they were aging just as I was aging and would always remain older.

Part of the reason I thought I could out age them was because I spent so much time alone.  During most of my school days I felt like an only child.  It is only now as an adult that I’m beginning to cherish being apart of a family.

Now there’s nothing better than the three of us eating mom’s food at the same time in the same place, laughing over something dad did or said, or hanging out away from everyone and everything as if time only belongs to us.

It’s true you can’t choose your siblings but they are simply irreplaceable.

Brownsville

Lifer

golden gate bridge

Someone asked me if I was a “lifer”.  I was caught a bit off guard until they said – “Are you going to live in NYC for the rest of your life?”

Sometimes I feel like there’s no better place than New York City and I don’t even want to go away on vacation.  I think of staycations and consider all the things I could do if I had some time off during the week in the city.

I know that NYC is not perfect.  There are plenty of things that could change for the better but I’m certain that NYC has all the things I need and want to sustain me to the end of my  days.

I feel like I’m a bit young to declare myself a “lifer” and I do love San Francisco almost as much as NYC but now as I look toward the second half of my life building a sustainable life in NYC doesn’t sound too bad.  Afterall, I am a native New Yorker, NYC is already apart of the fabric of my life.  It will always be my home.   If I leave it will never be for good.  So in some ways I feel like I’m already a “lifer”.  I’m proud of that fact.  I really wouldn’t have it any other way.

Brownsville

Real Improvement

a tree grows in brooklyn

The last time someone asked me where I grew up in Brooklyn and I told them Brownsville they asked me if I lived in the good part of Brownsville and I had to say that there really wasn’t a good part.

Now I feel comfortable saying that there is plenty of good going on in Brownsville.  The community is changing and there is significant improvement.  For one crime is down and people feel safe walking around at night as well as the day.

Even my dad, a fifty year resident, told me he noticed the difference.  He tells me it’s not as bad as it used to be.  He asks me if I remember what it was like when I was little and he assures me that it is different.  I take his word for it over any statistic.  He is apart of the fabric of the community and if he notices an improvement then to me it is real.

I hope the trend continues and perhaps long after the days of my dad a young child will tell someone that they live in Brownsville and the other person will say I hear it’s pretty nice there.  The positive change is slow but it is happening.

Facing Forward

From Where I Sit

from where i sit

A Life Imagined

I vaguely remember being young and dreaming of what my life would be like when I was older.  At this point in my life I imagined I would have more money and be further along in my career.

I imagined I would be something of a hermit because that lifestyle seemed appealing to me.  As a young person living in the projects I just wanted to get away from everything and everyone.

But now that I’m older and still so much the little girl with big dreams but now also the adult with adult issues I face my future with the dreams of a young girl and sometimes from certain angles it seems like those dreams might still come true.

Free Write

The Fear of the Worst

When something goes wrong I always think of the worst case scenario.  I go over things in my head and I convince myself that the worst will happen and so often it doesn’t.

In fact things never happen the way I imagine them.  So now after I imagine the worst cast scenario I wait for the reality to set in and I enjoy being wrong.

Certain things are unavoidable but time is unpredictable.

Free Write

Sometimes People Forget

Once and a while someone who knows that I have a mental illness asks me a question and I think to myself – Do they not remember that I’m sick?

In particular when it becomes evident that I am tired or in need of a break and someone questions me as if they can’t figure out how I can be tired even though they know all of the things I have on my plate.

I want to lash out and say what I’m not allowed to be tired? or do you think everything should fall on me?

People think I like being in charge and truthfully I do like being in charge but I’ve learned that truly successful leaders rely on others to make everything run smoothly.  I know now that I can be in charge and still not run everything.  Leadership is about teamwork and what makes a team work well together is proper communication.

I hardly ever lash out at people anymore.  I want people to be on my team and enjoy working with me.  I also don’t want to ever forget that I am sick and keep in mind that I need rest and to take breaks because once I forget I know I’m in danger of relapse and there’s no reason for me to jeopardize my health.

Free Write

I’m Not A Member of the Inferior Sex

I just went to see a play called Mankind by Robert O’Hara (a very gifted playwright).  In his play he creates a world where women are extinct and men have developed the ability to have babies but they only can produce male babies.

The play has a larger message about the importance of Planned Parenthood and how women should have all the rights of men but I kept thinking why is it the men who have to decide that women deserve equal rights.  Just the fact that we have to convince men that we’re not inferior has caused me a bit of unrest.

A feeling of superiority is a character flaw.  It’s one many people have and I have been on the negative end of that feeling for quite some time.

In the play one of the men calls women the “inferior” sex because they couldn’t survive and men are the superior sex because they adapted and were able to reproduce on their own.

I just felt like saying – fictional world or real world – I am not a member of the inferior sex.  People need to stop thinking that there is one!