Free Write

The View

in flight photo

Whenever I fly I can’t wait until I’m high enough to take pictures of the clouds.  It’s as close to outer space as I’m ever going to get and it’s as close to outer space as I feel comfortable being.

Sometimes I still can’t believe people figured out how to fly.  Even though I’ve been flying my entire life the awe is not lost on me.

Anything seems possible riding above the clouds!

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I remember being in my twenties – up late doing nothing waiting for my phone to ring – and then it rang and my go to friend was asking me to hang out.  We hadn’t spoken all day and I had no idea he was going to call but it didn’t matter where he wanted to go I knew once I heard his voice I was ready to go out.

Now I plan my nights out sometimes weeks in advance.  I like looking forward to something I know for sure is going to happen but some nights I think of that girl in her twenties watching tv and trying not to pay attention to the phone and I think yes we did have some fun.

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The Fear of the Worst

When something goes wrong I always think of the worst case scenario.  I go over things in my head and I convince myself that the worst will happen and so often it doesn’t.

In fact things never happen the way I imagine them.  So now after I imagine the worst cast scenario I wait for the reality to set in and I enjoy being wrong.

Certain things are unavoidable but time is unpredictable.

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Sometimes People Forget

Once and a while someone who knows that I have a mental illness asks me a question and I think to myself – Do they not remember that I’m sick?

In particular when it becomes evident that I am tired or in need of a break and someone questions me as if they can’t figure out how I can be tired even though they know all of the things I have on my plate.

I want to lash out and say what I’m not allowed to be tired? or do you think everything should fall on me?

People think I like being in charge and truthfully I do like being in charge but I’ve learned that truly successful leaders rely on others to make everything run smoothly.  I know now that I can be in charge and still not run everything.  Leadership is about teamwork and what makes a team work well together is proper communication.

I hardly ever lash out at people anymore.  I want people to be on my team and enjoy working with me.  I also don’t want to ever forget that I am sick and keep in mind that I need rest and to take breaks because once I forget I know I’m in danger of relapse and there’s no reason for me to jeopardize my health.

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I’m Not A Member of the Inferior Sex

I just went to see a play called Mankind by Robert O’Hara (a very gifted playwright).  In his play he creates a world where women are extinct and men have developed the ability to have babies but they only can produce male babies.

The play has a larger message about the importance of Planned Parenthood and how women should have all the rights of men but I kept thinking why is it the men who have to decide that women deserve equal rights.  Just the fact that we have to convince men that we’re not inferior has caused me a bit of unrest.

A feeling of superiority is a character flaw.  It’s one many people have and I have been on the negative end of that feeling for quite some time.

In the play one of the men calls women the “inferior” sex because they couldn’t survive and men are the superior sex because they adapted and were able to reproduce on their own.

I just felt like saying – fictional world or real world – I am not a member of the inferior sex.  People need to stop thinking that there is one!

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This Boredom Thing

Isn’t it funny how you can have a ton of work to do and be totally bored?

Isn’t it funny how you don’t feel bored when you want to relax and do nothing?

I’ve read some things about boredom –

– It needs to be embraced in order to hone your craft

-What you do when you’re bored determines your success in life

-Life is boring – get used to it

-Boring couples stay together longer

All I know for sure is that it is an inescapable feeling.  No matter if I’m happy, stressed, depressed, or relaxed, I can be all of those things and bored.

How about you?  What do you do when you’re bored?



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How Are You?

I just want to acknowledge all the people who ask other people how they are doing and actually care and will take the time to listen to the answer.

I don’t know why it is a custom of ours to ask people how they are doing and not actually want a real answer.  To me it’s more rude than not asking at all.

I’ve learned to answer “Good” with confidence and assertion.  I don’t want people who don’t actually care about me to mock my answer of “Fine, Ok, Pretty Good, or basically any answer other than good” and ask me what is the matter out of pure curiosity.

And the thing that really gets me is that not only is a real answer not expected but the question also comes with an obligation to ask the other person how they are doing.

Maybe I’m just a horrible person but I don’t want anyone asking me how I’m doing everyday and I don’t want to have to ask anyone else how they’re doing everyday.  I don’t see why we have to lie to one another when hello would suffice.

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sand coney island

After so many cold days I just want to take a moment to remember warmth.

When I was younger I loved the cold – standing outside and letting the cold air fill my lungs gave me a bit of a high.  Sometimes I still get that high but it is soon replaced by the feeling of ice water running through my veins.

And in recent years I’ve become a beach person.  I used to be terrified of water and now sitting by a river, pond, or ocean gives me such peace.

I guess this is all because I’m getting older and while I miss the old things I used to love I still welcome the change.

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I Don’t Know

Sometimes it’s a bit scary to think of what my life would be like if I were to become sick again.  I know what the doctors tell me – that the chances of me becoming sick again decease with each passing day of health – but with no actual certainty I still wonder what if.

The truth is I know what will happen if I become sick again.  I’ve been very sick quite often and those memories do not go away completely no matter how much time has passed.  What I do not know is how I would recover. The last time I was sick I didn’t believe I would ever recover but I was wrong.  And I wonder if my belief that I will recover from yet another break is also wrong.  All I know for sure is that I do not want to find out for sure.

As I live my life, symptom free and with a clear mind, it still makes me a bit nervous to not know for sure that the rest of my life will be healthy.  But I live each day of health with hope for the future keeping in mind that there are no guarantees.

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To Judge or Not To Judge

The truth is it’s taken me a while to figure out exactly what I want to do.  Some people think I’m doing things I should have done when I was younger but when I was younger I was in and out of the hospital and barely able to function.  So why should I give up on my dreams because the prime age to do what I want has passed?

But clearly it has not passed because I am able to do it now.  It seems I’m just in the nick of time to fulfill my dreams.