I used to think that if I didn’t give someone a reason to be mean to me then they would treat me well or just be indifferent. I had to get older to understand that people are mean to others mainly because they feel like they can get away with it. So if someone hurts you or treats you inappropriately you have to stand up for yourself and make sure that they know you will not let them get away with it. This is what has helped me forgive people. It’s easier to forgive someone if you make them acknowledge that they did something wrong.
I worked really hard to get something I thought I really wanted and once I got it I just thought is this really it? And so I make the most of it and try to look at the bright side and remain positive but each day I cringe a bit on the inside as I think is this all there is? I have a choice of just accepting things as they are or starting anew. I’ve never been good at settling.
I worked and went to school.
I work and I write.
The truth is I used to love having two very different things to do. When I was doing one I could forget about the other. I used to think it helped me feel and think better.
It is a lot managing two major competing priorities but as they say – “You do what you have to until you can do what you want to.”
I actually used to tell people that I was the mistake. I use to tell people that Harvard made a mistake when they admitted me. I didn’t have the perfect SAT score or the straight A average. My college essay was about the first play I ever directed and at the time Harvard did not have a theatre concentration (they do now)!
As I remember it an older Harvard student told me I was a mistake freshman year because of these reasons and I just went with it. Everyone seemed smarter, more impressive, better at everything. Even though I came from St. Paul’s that didn’t seem to matter much. I was the mistake.
It doesn’t feel that way anymore.
Recently someone was trying to persuade me to do something I didn’t want to do. He told me that I should do things his way because I’m “better” than other people. I immediately replied that no I am not. I I never think of myself as better than anyone else because I’ve been on the other side. When you have a mental illness many people believe, act, and treat you like they are better than you. And just because I can hide in plain sight now doesn’t mean I forget how that feels. But after he said that to me I did feel different. I marvel at the turns of life. Everyone is under the impression that I am where I’m supposed to be but no one can tell what it took to get here.
We all know the line – “What happens to a dream deferred?”
But lately I find myself asking – What happens to a dream fulfilled?
The only thing scarier than failure is success!
A former teacher of mine told me “To Whom Much Is Given Much Is Expected.”
When she said it I actually stopped and thought about all of the things I’ve been given – and it’s a lot. The path I was placed on at a very early age leads to the life I lead now. In a way the opportunities were laid in front of me like the yellow brick road leading to the Wizard of Oz. It just makes sense that I ended up back at home (like nowhere else).
I’ve been wondering what the next level of myself looks like. I wonder if I can get there or if I will push myself too hard and fall short. I wonder where the next major failure lies. I wonder when someone will say something negative to me again. I wonder how long I will stay at the next level (if I ever get there).
I know I’m not afraid of the next level anymore. I’m stepping towards it even though I do not know how long the road is ahead of me. I do not know the mountains and valleys along the way. I take a new step each day and I wonder if I will hit a wall.
I’ll be honest – I’ve had 2 bags of potato chips since I started this whole lifestyle change thing – but people told me that I can eat popcorn. It’s filling and low in calorie. But it cannot replace chips. At first I told myself I was strong enough to not have a cheat day or ever eat a cheat snack or meal. I can tell you I’m not that strong. I’m doing the best I can and it seems to be working but please whoever tells people that they can eat popcorn in place of chips – STOP IT!
My mother told me years ago that I could lose weight if I just “put my mind to it.”
It recently occurred to me as I’ve begun to shed some pounds that my mother has been saying this to me my entire life – “Just put your mind to it.” It’s a bit longer than “Just do it.” but the meaning is the same.
For most of my life this advice has worked well for me. Up until I lost my mind and then the doubts began to settle in. It’s been a twenty year crawl to the point where I trust my mind enough to actually believe this statement again but my faith in my mind is back and my body is beginning to follow.