Facing Forward

Get Better or Get Worse

Aug 30 16

For years after my diagnosis I kept getting worse.  It got to the point that I began to think of which hospitals or programs I could stay in for the rest of my life.  I stopped believing I would ever get better and believed I had to accept my new normal.  At the time I was in out patient CBT and I remember speaking with one of the doctors.  He asked me if I remembered something awful I’d said about someone else and I hadn’t.  It was in that moment that I realized I was getting better because I was no longer angry at this person.  It was the first time my feelings had changed in months.  It was a small bit of hope but it put me back on a good track.  If my emotions could change then I could get out of the depression and back into a routine life.

The goal that defined my health at this point was just getting to work, coming home, and getting some sleep.  If I could do that I knew I’d have a chance at sustainable health.

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