For years after my diagnosis I kept getting worse. It got to the point that I began to think of which hospitals or programs I could stay in for the rest of my life. I stopped believing I would ever get better and believed I had to accept my new normal. At the time I was in out patient CBT and I remember speaking with one of the doctors. He asked me if I remembered something awful I’d said about someone else and I hadn’t. It was in that moment that I realized I was getting better because I was no longer angry at this person. It was the first time my feelings had changed in months. It was a small bit of hope but it put me back on a good track. If my emotions could change then I could get out of the depression and back into a routine life.
The goal that defined my health at this point was just getting to work, coming home, and getting some sleep. If I could do that I knew I’d have a chance at sustainable health.