Shortly after my diagnosis I became obsessed with getting back to the person I used to be. I wanted my mental acuity back and I wanted to perform at the same level as a person who would be accepted into Harvard University.
After every major break as I lost more and more of my mental capabilities I longed to be 19 again pre-diagnosis. Being in Brownsville where my past meets my present I have gotten over my desire to be the person I used to be. I’m free now to figure out who I am. I’m free to figure out what remission from a mental illness actually means. I’m free to figure out what my passions truly are and how that will inform my future.
I now enjoy things I didn’t used to enjoy and do not receive the same thrill from things I thought I couldn’t live without doing. I let go of this image of myself as I used to be because I don’t think that was a real person. It was someone I created in my head who was the antithesis of my sick self. This ideal was impossible to live up to and my short comings kept me feeling nervous and constantly second guessing myself. I had to allow myself to forget this imaginary person and appreciate the person I used to be. This allows me to relax and enjoy my life.