I worked really hard to get something I thought I really wanted and once I got it I just thought is this really it? And so I make the most of it and try to look at the bright side and remain positive but each day I cringe a bit on the inside as I think is this all there is? I have a choice of just accepting things as they are or starting anew. I’ve never been good at settling.
I worked and went to school.
I work and I write.
The truth is I used to love having two very different things to do. When I was doing one I could forget about the other. I used to think it helped me feel and think better.
It is a lot managing two major competing priorities but as they say – “You do what you have to until you can do what you want to.”
I actually used to tell people that I was the mistake. I use to tell people that Harvard made a mistake when they admitted me. I didn’t have the perfect SAT score or the straight A average. My college essay was about the first play I ever directed and at the time Harvard did not have a theatre concentration (they do now)!
As I remember it an older Harvard student told me I was a mistake freshman year because of these reasons and I just went with it. Everyone seemed smarter, more impressive, better at everything. Even though I came from St. Paul’s that didn’t seem to matter much. I was the mistake.
It doesn’t feel that way anymore.
Recently someone was trying to persuade me to do something I didn’t want to do. He told me that I should do things his way because I’m “better” than other people. I immediately replied that no I am not. I I never think of myself as better than anyone else because I’ve been on the other side. When you have a mental illness many people believe, act, and treat you like they are better than you. And just because I can hide in plain sight now doesn’t mean I forget how that feels. But after he said that to me I did feel different. I marvel at the turns of life. Everyone is under the impression that I am where I’m supposed to be but no one can tell what it took to get here.