Fearless Thoughts

What Do You Want?

I worked really hard to get something I thought I really wanted and once I got it I just thought is this really it?  And so I make the most of it and try to look at the bright side and remain positive but each day I cringe a bit on the inside as I think is this all there is?  I have a choice of just accepting things as they are or starting anew.   I’ve never been good at settling.

Fearless Thoughts

The Mistake

I actually used to tell people that I was the mistake.  I use to tell people that Harvard made a mistake when they admitted me.  I didn’t have the perfect SAT score or the straight A average.  My college essay was about the first play I ever directed and at the time Harvard did not have a theatre concentration (they do now)!

As I remember it an older Harvard student told me I was a mistake freshman year because of these reasons and I just went with it.  Everyone seemed smarter, more impressive, better at everything.  Even though I came from St. Paul’s that didn’t seem to matter much.  I was the mistake.

It doesn’t feel that way anymore.

Fearless Thoughts

Different, Not Better

Recently someone was trying to persuade me to do something I didn’t want to do.  He told me that I should do things his way because I’m “better” than other people.  I immediately replied that no I am not.  I  I never think of myself as better than anyone else because I’ve been on the other side.  When you have a mental illness many people believe, act, and treat you like they are better than you.  And just because I can hide in plain sight now doesn’t mean I forget how that feels.  But after he said that to me I did feel different.  I marvel at the turns of life.  Everyone is under the impression that I am where I’m supposed to be but no one can tell what it took to get here.